Father’s Day is a bittersweet time for me. Twenty years ago this month, my father died of cancer. Father’s Day, his birthday and the day he died have always sat close together on the calendar.
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My dad was a family physician and spent his entire professional life caring for children and families. I experienced his care firsthand when, during my pregnancies, I became incredibly sick with a condition that was eventually diagnosed as hyperemesis gravidarum. During my early calls to medical providers in my first pregnancy, they offered the advice they give to so many others: “This is just part of pregnancy. You need to rest, drink fluids, and eat what you can.” I felt largely dismissed as my weight dropped and I was unable to eat or drink normally.
As the weeks went on, my condition worsened. At one point I was so ill I couldn’t get up from the couch. My normal passion for life and ability to speak up for my own needs had disappeared.
Despite contacting my doctor’s office several times, I was continually told it’s normal to not feel your best during pregnancy. They suggested I wasn’t far enough along for any serious concerns.
The CDC reports that one in five women reports mistreatment while receiving maternity care, including being scolded, receiving no response to requests for help and being threatened with withholding treatment. Almost half of moms report holding back from asking questions or sharing concerns due to not wanting to be difficult, not wanting to make a big deal of it or being told something is normal.
I was fortunate enough to have several people in my life who recognized the pregnancy-related illness.
My husband knew something was wrong and eventually went to my doctor’s office in person to insist on an appointment. My father also knew my sickness wasn’t normal, and as both a physician and a father, he helped me advocate to get the care I needed — including when I ended up in the emergency room of the hospital where he worked.
I had often experienced my father’s care, but being his patient allowed me to see a different side of him. He took the time to listen and understand the root of the problem. He was tender and nurturing as he worked to explore all aspects of my medical problem. He saw me as an individual with unique needs.
That was not unusual for my father. He was a healer in every sense of the word.
As we celebrate fathers, I am grateful for the men in my life who understand that women’s health is not solely a women’s issue.
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He spent his professional life caring for people as individuals. He did the same for his family, the members of his congregation, and countless others in our community. I have so many memories of him offering thoughtful medical advice to anyone who needed it.
When he passed away, my family was overwhelmed by messages from patients and friends. They told stories of diseases he had caught early, difficult diagnoses he had helped them navigate, and life-changing decisions he had guided them through. Again and again, the stories shared a common thread: People felt seen, heard and cared for.
My dad’s response to my pregnancy contributed to me safely delivering a healthy child, but my experience of feeling ignored during a pregnancy-related illness is not uncommon. And unfortunately, many of the women who experience this and other types of medical mistreatment do not have someone in their corner to advocate and care for them.
This Father’s Day I’m remembering the men who used their voices, their judgment and their presence to ensure I was not facing challenges alone. At their best, fathers have the ability to create environments where others can flourish, including the women in their lives.
As I’ve reflected on that lesson, I see how it extends far beyond our families. Good men can help create conditions in which all members of a community can thrive.
My father did this as a physician. Others do it as teachers, coaches, employers, clergy, public servants, neighbors and volunteers. They pay attention to the people around them. They invest in others’ growth. They use their skills and influence to solve problems, strengthen families and improve communities.
As we celebrate fathers, I am grateful for the men in my life who understand that women’s health is not solely a women’s issue. They recognize that when women are healthy and supported, children, spouses and communities benefit as well. In their various capacities, all men have the opportunity to help others receive the care and support they need.
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