Across the country, I meet men like I used to be; they look strong on the outside but carry a deep ache in their hearts. They’re husbands, fathers, co-workers, students and neighbors. They show up, they work hard, they push through. But beneath the surface, many are carrying wounds they’ve never named, let alone healed.
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Some of these wounds come from childhood. A father who was present in the home but absent emotionally, a mother overwhelmed and unable to nurture, a home where anger filled the rooms more loudly than laughter. Other hurts come from betrayals, trauma, failures, losses and disappointments that were never spoken aloud.
Many of these men are taught early on to “man up” and keep going forward. But even when they do that, they often carry their unhealed wounds with them.
The cost of not healing
When men don’t deal with past trauma, including from childhood, the consequences ripple through every part of life. In difficult circumstances, they may shut down emotionally because they were never taught how to regulate their emotions (the ability to manage your emotions rather than letting your emotions manage you). Others struggle in relationships, longing for closeness but terrified of vulnerability. Many retreat into isolation not because they want to be alone, but because they don’t know how to be known.
Unhealed wounds often show up as anger, addiction, irritability or control. But beneath those reactions is usually a deeper fear, shame, grief or a sense of not being enough. And the toll isn’t just emotional. Research shows that unresolved trauma increases the risk of heart disease, addiction, depression and early death. The “body keeps score,” as Dutch trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk says, even when a man insists he’s fine.
Why men stay silent
Most men avoid getting help because asking for help can feel like weakness — especially when a man believes his value lies in being unshakeable.
During my time in the NFL, I was trained to play through pain. But I didn’t leave that mindset on the field. I carried it into my soul. For years, I ignored what I felt. I pushed it down. I kept going. And it didn’t make me stronger. It made me disconnected. It hurt me. And it hurt the people I loved.
That’s because unhealed pain doesn’t stay contained. As clinical psychologist Robert Puff writes, “Hurt people hurt people. Sometimes we do this intentionally, and sometimes we do this unintentionally. As a result, our friends, family, lovers, and even strangers can get caught in the crossfire.”
A different way forward
I wrote “It’s Time to Heal: Four God-given Steps to Restore What Life Shattered” because I believe men deserve a different story, one where healing is not a threat to masculinity but an expression of it.
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Men need safer, stigma-free places to begin the work of healing. Not everyone is ready for therapy. Not everyone knows how to talk about their pain. But almost everyone can pick up a book in the quiet of their home and begin to see themselves with new eyes.
My hope is that my book becomes a companion for men (and women) who have carried their wounds alone for too long. A place where they can finally name and say out loud what hurt them. A place where they can understand more about why they react the way they do.
What healing looks like
Healing doesn’t mean reliving the past. It means releasing its grip. It means learning healthy ways to engage your pain, processing it with honesty and courage, and responding to it in ways that lead to growth rather than keeping you trapped in old wounds.
Healing also means discovering that vulnerability is not a liability but a doorway to deeper connection. It means recognizing that the anger that can erupt so quickly is often a shield for a younger version of yourself who never felt safe.
This healing can also mean understanding that the distance you create in relationships isn’t rejection. It’s protection. And it means realizing that the loneliness you carry is not a sign of failure but a sign that you were made for connection.
A hopeful future for men
When a man begins to heal, he becomes a loving, consistent presence to those who matter most to him. He becomes more at peace with himself. And perhaps most importantly, he becomes a man who no longer passes his pain to the next generation.
If you are a man carrying wounds you’ve never spoken of or if you love a man who seems distant, angry or numb, know this: Healing is possible. My book is an invitation to pause, to breathe, to look inward with compassion and to take a first step toward wholeness.
Because the world needs healed men. Families need healed men. And men themselves deserve the life that healing brings.