My wife and I recently attended a concert at Tuacahn put on by Jenny Oaks Baker. Just moments before the concert began, the audience turned in their seats when her father tried to slip into a seat unnoticed near the back of the amphitheater. But when you are the president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it is hard to go unnoticed.
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After being seated with assistance from others, several children approached President Dallin H. Oaks. It was a cool evening, yet he greeted each child warmly — unable to stand without assistance, yet he removed his cap to shake their hand as they approached and wished them well.
This gracious act — removing his cap for each person who approached him — went largely unnoticed by most. Yet, here he was, a 93-year-old leader held by millions to be a prophet of God, tipping his cap to 8-, 9- and 10-year-olds.
By contrast, a few weeks later, I attended a public meeting. Local officials were seated on the stand, ready to begin the meeting. Two young men shyly approached the rostrum and extended their hands to each of these civic officials — neither made any attempt to stand and merely shook their hands without looking up, barely noticing them.
My wife and I began a conversation not only about the changing times but also about the practicality of traditional etiquette in the modern world — and decided to find out what others thought about various traditional practices.
We began by reading a series of comments on Reddit about men holding doors open for women, even though some women feel it is either demeaning or at least outdated for men to do this.
Most considered men holding doors open for women to still be an appropriate gesture. It is a nicety — not a requirement, one person noted. Opening car doors for women was included as something nice to do, but not expected.
Perhaps there is still room for niceties in the world. Yet it can be frustrating when the “rules of engagement” we’ve mastered over a lifetime suddenly seem to shift — and when guidelines that once signaled respect start being viewed as intrusive or irrelevant.
For instance, think about what we call anyone who is older than we are. It’s often been assumed that we need to use a special name: Mr., sir, ma’am, Mrs. But one etiquette adviser, writing in the Reader’s Digest, suggested that once a person is an adult, they establish common ground with other adults by becoming acquainted on a first-name basis.
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As a young professional living in New Orleans almost 50 years ago, I was told by a respected senior manager, “If you call everyone ‘Mr.’ or ‘Ms.,’ you set yourself apart,” he told me. “It is like saying, ‘I’m not on the same level as you.’ That is not the way to be taken seriously. If you want your advice and opinion to matter, establish a level playing field.”
As we asked others for their input, we got a wide variety of comments. Here’s what came up most often:
- Ask before helping others. Even if it looks like a heavy bag someone is raising into the airplane’s overhead bin, first ask, “May I help you?” “I don’t want someone to just assume I need help,” Paulette Pierce said. “That can feel intrusive. Take a moment and ask first.”
- Avoid calling attention to someone joining a meeting late. “I don’t like it when men stand when I’m the only person joining a meeting,” Shelley Butler said. “It makes me feel like I’m on display. What might defensively be called chivalry is actually demeaning.”
- Introduce others. Unless you are certain that everyone knows each other, make introductions. “You probably know Travis Graff from Sunrise Tire” is an easy way to bring everyone into the conversation circle without making formal introductions.
- Share conversational “airtime.” If there are more than two people in a conversation, then “sharing is caring,” Kristen Duke said. “Share the spotlight. We all like to be heard and value those who ‘share the wealth’ by including others in the give-and-take of most conversations.”
- Confirm invitations. Express regrets. Send thank-you notes. “There are several people in our community group who hardly ever RSVP; they just show up,” Stephanie Fackrell said. “It makes planning seating arrangements and refreshments difficult.”
Modern etiquette is less about rigid rules and more about empathy, boundaries and respect. That core purpose has never changed; it exists to make people feel comfortable and valued.
While the specific actions alter over time (like shifting from pulling out a chair to sharing conversational airtime), the underlying goal remains exactly the same. If a new rule achieves mutual comfort, it’s serving the same purpose as the old one.
When confronted with a behavior that feels wrong — like someone preferring a text over a phone call — ask yourself, “What is the positive intent here?” When we assume good intent from others, it is much easier to accept changing practices.
Adapting to changing conditions goes both ways. Just as older generations are learning to navigate new accepted boundaries, younger generations are often trying to figure out how to show respect without appearing patronizing.
Ultimately, etiquette is neither about using the right fork nor feeling like they need one to defend themselves. Instead, it is like having a secret code that unlocks each person’s willingness to be comfortable in their own space and feel our respect and appreciation too.